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*** I've made this 3 months ago...I love making poems or short essay when im depressed, sad & hurt because it brings out mah true feelings...This is dedicated
to the guy who lied to me, hurt me and broke mah heart..***
The Art of Unloving You
Sometimes,
just when you think you've found the perfect person, he realizes that there are
so many things wrong with you. Eventually, you also realize that there are so
many things wrong with him and everything just falls apart. After some time,
you realize that it's over. No amount of screaming, kicking and whining can
bring you an instant replay of the things that were and could have been. Give
me the space and the time that I need to learn to unloved you.
How are you? I don’t know how I am. Would you take it against me if I answer
that question with a cold stare? How am I doing? I don’t know. I absolutely
don’t know. I guess I’ve been having sleepless nights, trying to figure out why
things didn’t work out. I guess I’m caught between wanting to shut you out of
my life completely and wanting to snatch you away. I don’t know. I am lost.
Life was so much simplier before you messed up with my heart. Happiness is okay
and loneliness was simple emotions with you in my life. Now, everything seems
much more exaggerated. It’s like I feel these emotions from my hair to my
fingertips, to the point of being nauseated. .
Are you okay? I don’t think I’m okay. I am not okay. Being confused never
belonged to the realm of being okay. Do you realize what you did to me? The
pain you have put me through is really a nightmare. The lies that you made me
believe is so insulting. Never did I find myself in the most painful situation
that even my mind refuse to function. For a while my world stop revolving,
everything has lost its meaning. But as days passed by and with the support of
my friends, my days now seem so much happier. The sun seems to shine brighter.
The rain brings a smile to my lips. The colors seem more vivid and I now love
the things I thought I’ve lost.
My life has always been on a timetable. Everything is planned and every aspect
has a structure. Everything has a Plan A and if the Plan A does not work,
there’s always a Plan B. When all else fails, there’s always Plan C. When you
came something has placed the entire order in my life upside down. My timetable
changed and to the point I don’t follow a schedule anymore. My plans were all
put on hold. The whole structure just went crashing. I had a clear view of what
I wanted, where I was going and what I need to get there. The moment you walked
in, none of them seemed to matter anymore. All I wanted was to stay with you.
And that isn’t me. I can’t afford to allow that to be me. Not this time. Not
with you.
You represent the exact opposite of everything I’ve ever longed for and yet,
for some strange reason, I feel happy when I’m with you. Some people have a
problem dealing with loneliness. I, however, find myself having a problem
dealing with happiness because I can’t justify to my mind what I feel about
you. It’s just not logical. It defies reason.
Are you angry with me? No, I’m not angry with you anymore. I am just doing
what’s best for the both of us and that’s letting you go because that’s the
only thing that could make you happy. I know this feeling all too well. I know
I’m gonna end up starting my day with thoughts of you and end it just the same.
I’d have imaginary conversations with you in my head. And then one day, I’d
wake up realizing that you have become an essential part of my day. It would be
all so rosy for the first 90 days. Until one day, reality gives me a nudge and
makes me realize I don’t really have you. That no matter how much you said you
loved my eyes and sharing your dreams and your thoughts with me, I still won’t
be enough. That no matter how much you said you cared about me, you can never
love me the way I want to be loved. That no matter how much you said that you're contented with me and our LOVE, i know you're not..So let me solve this the only way I know how.
You really don’t want to see me anymore, no? Well, yes… At least until I get
over you. At least until I am sure that your presence no longer affects my
better judgment. At least until I’ve accepted the finality of things and never
feel myself longing for something you cannot give. Let me concentrate on the
negative things about you. Let me bring you down from the pedestal I once
placed you in. Allow me to see your worst and then maybe I’d change my mind.
Let me remind myself that as much as I love you, you don’t feel the same with
me. That as much as I adore you, you have a way of pissing me off! A way that
only you can do. Let me be reminded of what a ball and chain you are then maybe
I’d learn to see you in a different light. Let me gaze at your countenance one
more time and remind myself how forgettable your features are. Let me walk with
indifference when all I wanted to do was to run to your side and hug you. Let
me be nonchalant about your stories, about your thoughts. Let me focus on the
lies you told me that I’m the only woman for you. Let me be self-absorbed,
allow me to work myself to death or drag my sorry ass whacking my brains out
with academic pursuits. Let me be busy. It’s just that I don’t want to be happy
for a moment and be miserable for the next three or so.
I don’t want to love you anymore. My mind refuses to let the heart win. And you
know what the worst part of learning to unloved you is? It’s the disappointing
reality that my messed up heart stubbornly believes that you really did love me
when we were still together but the painful truth is you really did not love me
at all. So allow me to get the space and the time I need as I live day to day,
practicing the Art of Unloving You.
» UNBOOTABLE YAZAK
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